This…is part of the Lyme fight..
I woke up at 2:20 am drenched with sweat, my heart was beating a mile a minute, and my flight or fight response was in full force. My scream could have been heard, but it would have been drowned out by the CPAP mask that was covering my face. The “aware” part of my brain during this awake/asleep moment, didn’t want to startle my husband. I was terrified. About what? I don’t even know.
I read things like: You will get better, it just takes time, the anxiety/panic & irrational fear is from the disease, and my brain hears the words, but doesn’t feel the meaning. I live each day in my home, trying so hard to not to notice the walls have not changed from yesterday. My dog by my side once my husband leaves for work. It’s a very long 8 hours.
Positivity is important. I just can't seem to find it on these days. The days I’m terrified of the unknown, when my body is ready for everything and anything, that I know nothing about. When there’s nothing wrong, but the the panic makes life feel wrong. Fear is my clothing. It wraps itself around me tightly, so I’m unable to come up for air to hear the music playing, the birds singing, or the positive words of the few people I have. I promise myself to try harder to not be afraid. To be brave. But the promise gets broken. Probably because I feel broken. Lyme has me broken.
This…is part of the fight. The part that does not want to be heard by others. The part that is misunderstood, or when life goes on, so does my story…
Tomorrow is another day..
Hugs, Lisa xoxo
CPAP ? Is that something you had prior or is that new because of the disease? The feeling of something like that would of unhinged me. I wish you had a better support system. People have a tendency to back away when they see a person who they know an love is experiencing and trying to explain what you are going thru. The fear they exsperience either from no knowledge , or very little knowledge terrifies most people. It takes a special type of person to empathize and do good. Not that they love you less,but their fear is real also. Being an E.M.T. for 20 plus years , I have seen people's reactions to situations that would put a lot of people down. I sometimes wonder where I got it from. We can handle someone else's illness, but not our own. Like you said your body and mind are working against you. Uhm...maybe if we treated ourselves the way we treat somebody else in this situation, we would have a better outcome. We are our own worse critics so to speak. Okay I will quit now, I find I am trying to analyze myself, that always is a bad omen for me and I mean no disrespect dear girl to you. Your struggles are as real as it gets. I can hear it in your thoughts. Wish I was closer.Hope your day is good.
ReplyDeleteCPAP ? Is that something you had prior or is that new because of the disease? The feeling of something like that would of unhinged me. I wish you had a better support system. People have a tendency to back away when they see a person who they know an love is experiencing and trying to explain what you are going thru. The fear they exsperience either from no knowledge , or very little knowledge terrifies most people. It takes a special type of person to empathize and do good. Not that they love you less,but their fear is real also. Being an E.M.T. for 20 plus years , I have seen people's reactions to situations that would put a lot of people down. I sometimes wonder where I got it from. We can handle someone else's illness, but not our own. Like you said your body and mind are working against you. Uhm...maybe if we treated ourselves the way we treat somebody else in this situation, we would have a better outcome. We are our own worse critics so to speak. Okay I will quit now, I find I am trying to analyze myself, that always is a bad omen for me and I mean no disrespect dear girl to you. Your struggles are as real as it gets. I can hear it in your thoughts. Wish I was closer.Hope your day is good.
ReplyDeleteHi Jill,
DeleteHow are you? I was diagnosed with Upper Airway Restrictive Disorder around the same time as my Lyme diagnosis. Long story short, because of inflammation, my oxygen levels were very low during my sleep study. I wear a CPAP mask on my face that blows air, to keep my airway open during my sleep. To be totally honest, I was so desperate from not being oxygenated, that I would have done anything to feel better, so it wasn't difficult for me to get used to.
As far as a support system, it was a very long 6 months through the winter with only several visitors. I had a really a hard time. Now, a friend from the hospital that works in another department has been visiting and taking me out. I'm very thankful for her. Also, this past month, the weather has been better and that helps too.
I'm definitely my own worst critic. I'm learning to cut myself some slack, and rest if I need to. I guess I have a hard time with that for some reason.
Thank you for stopping by to read my blog and saying hi..
Hope you're well..
Hugs, Lisa xoxo